is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
