is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
