people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
