I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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