3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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