i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
