so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
