oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize