I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
