im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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