i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
