Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
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I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You are the jesus of drinking
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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