also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
