How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
