You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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