for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
