I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
