Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
