I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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