Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
