Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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