i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
