Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Randomize
