come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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