Please don't use social media to get back at me.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
