my room smells like sperm. sweet.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
