I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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