You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
