He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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