my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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