I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
