Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
