that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
