Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
