I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
