i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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