Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
