someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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