I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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