i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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