He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
