Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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