I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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