theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
