'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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