I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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