I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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