Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
