I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
There's always time for handjobs
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
