Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
