My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
