You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
