he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Can you bring me the toilet please
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
