I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
