Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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