Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
